This May Be Our End

I still can't forgive him. 

These thoughts filled my mind as I clutched the steering wheel with white knuckles. For once, I wasn't sure if I'd follow Soda's advice. Could I bring myself to talk to Dimitri? To fix something that I shouldn't even have to fix? 

Do I even want to?  

I took a deep sigh and tried to clear my mind as I focused on driving. I drove aimlessly for what felt like hours until I forced myself to drive back to the apartment. When I entered the front door, Dim turned from his place on the couch and smiled. "Hey babe, did you get some good fresh air?" I just stared at him. I was too tired for emotion. Too tired for his obliviousness. Too tired for his selfish behavior that he seemed to have just forgotten like every other male. I turned around without a word and buried myself in a little cocoon in my bed, just wanting to forget the world. 

It went on like this for a handful of days. I avoided talking to him and I only saw him when I'd pretend to be sleeping when he'd crawl into our bed at night after he got home from a long night at the restaurant. I had begun to grow accustomed to this detached state I was in. Any time I tried to come out of it, all I felt was pain. 

This all changed one night when two people screaming awoke me from a dream I was having in which I was sitting at the end of a dock overlooking a calm lake. Sunset surrounded me as I cuddled a little toddler girl that had golden curls and deep brown eyes. She called me Mommy. Scratch the dream part. It was more like a torturous nightmare. 

I came to the sudden realization that the people screaming were Dim and Kit and forced myself out of bed to investigate. Right as I turned the corner, I saw Dimitri and Kit lock lips. In that moment, it was like I was immediately snapped out of the zombie like stupor I had been stuck in. I let out a loud gasp as the betrayal sunk in. I turned and ran into my room as I heard Dim yell for me. I grabbed a duffel bag out of the closet and just started grabbing. I could hear Dim burst in, pleading for me to listen. As I shoved the last thing I could think of into my bag, he grabbed my arm trying to stop me from leaving. This pushed me over the edge. The sound of my palm colliding with his face was the only thing to be heard in the deadly silence. He looked shocked, hurt but it gave me a chance to speak. “Don’t you dare touch me now. Don’t you dare. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. Especially not after these past few days. You can stay here with her. You deserve each other, but I’m out.” As I stormed out of my room, toward the front door I caught a glimpse of a smirking Kit slinking into her room looking satisfied. I’d deal with her later, but now I could only think of one place I wanted to go. 

It takes a lot to show up at your father’s front porch, sobbing in the middle of the night. “Daddy?”  I whimpered as a very confused and tired James Winston answered the door. “Baby girl….” I spent the whole night crying my heart out to my father, the whole while he just held me close, allowing me to let it all out. Everything poured out. Unrepressed feelings from my attack, how much I miss mom, how the miscarriage was brought up again, everything with Kitty, and last but not least everything with Dimitri lately. I finally fell asleep after I could barely keep my eyes open from all the crying, the last thing I remember was my dad stroking my hair, whispering “I wish I could fix everything for you darling.”

The next day I awoke in my old bed, wrapped up in comfy blankets with the smell of bacon filling the house. I went downstairs to see my dad making me breakfast and it took quite a bit of convincing to convince him that I was fine enough to go back to the apartment and it was what I had to do. Once I got there, Dimitri lept off the couch with bloodshot eyes “Baby I am so s-“ He stopped talking once he saw my serious expression. I stepped towards him, wedding ring in hand. “I can’t stay here anymore. I’m going to take some more of my things today.” I put the ring in his hand, closing his fingers around it. “This may be our end.”

Heartbreaking Memories

“So…. speaking of babies…I gotta tell you something.. I think with everything going on right now, we should wait for a bit you know? To think about anything like that?”

Dim just smiled and nodded before leaving the room. I almost felt guilty for being grateful that he left, but I needed to be alone. I told him I had a miscarriage and what does he say about it? That I should have told him. No sorries, no nothing. I may have been young, but it doesn't mean it still doesn’t hurt. I could feel hot tears begin to spill out and I buried my head in my hands, trying to stop the painful memories from returning.

~~~~~~~~~

It's a weird thing when you get pregnant so young. You're terrified. Confused. But then you realize something, well I did at least. You've got a human literally growing inside of you. A child made by love with the person that you love. It was an ......odd feeling. I didn't want the baby but then I kinda did. Does that make sense? Yeah it confused me too. I loved Sodapop and at that time I realized I wouldn't want it with anyone else.

When I told him, of course he was shocked and scared. But then he promised to take care of me and the baby as well as he could. I almost started to become hopeful, like it might turn out okay.

But then I started to think about telling our parents. I knew my parents would be better about it, but damn. Sodapop's parents, or should I say mother mostly, would freak the hell out. He'd be kicked out. I'd never be able to see Kitty again. We'd be shunned.

I began to stress myself out so much about it. I wasn't feeling healthy. But then again I was 15, what the hell did I know about being pregnant? For all I knew, that was normal.

Maybe if I'd told my dad about it, it wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have miscarried. The day that it happened was chilling with the Dawnster. She didn't know, but was about to find out.

I had gotten off of my bed to grab something when I felt an indescribable pain. Well....I won't go into the gory details but that's when it happened. She rushed me to hospital, but it was too late. She’s the only other person in the gang who knew about it. Well until Kit decided to reveal it.

The pain I felt wasn’t just physical, but psychological. I told everyone I had a nasty stomach flu and food poisoning, the puking wasn’t far off, but really I was just trying to recover. I would just cry. And cry. And cry some more. Then I had to come back. Act like everything was alright and hope that no one would see a crack in my perfectly crafted mask.

~~~~~~~~~

I couldn’t handle all of this right now. I quickly got dressed, told Dim I had to go out for a little while, and got in my car and drove. It was a struggle to drive with the tears still blurring my vision, but I somehow safely reached my destination. I had to see someone that would understand.

I walked up to the counter at the DX and Soda turned around with a smile. “Oh hey Je-.” His smile faded as he saw my tears. “What happened?” I silently handed him the faux papers and letter. I could see his face break. “Oh god Jells.” He rushed around the counter and held me with tears forming in his eyes. “It was Kit wasn’t it?” I could only cry harder in response. “I’m so, so sorry…..: he whispered as he ran his hand over my hair comforting me. And there I stood, bawling my eyes out but I felt safe knowing that he really cared. I realized that Dimitri didn’t understand like this, or maybe didn't even care, and it tore me apart inside…..

She crossed a line and I have to get revenge on her somehow.

Why this wedding has been pushed off....

"I gotta talk to you." I said to Dim as I walked into his room.

"What is it babe?" He asked as he set down his phone, ending his conversation with a drunk Chase for the time being.

Sitting the edge of the bed next to where he was, I tried to figure out how exactly I was going to phrase this. "We're getting married."

He smirked. "And if you picked a date it'd be official."

"Ha. Ha." I said sarcastically. "It's about that actually."

"You picked a date?" Dim said, not covering up the shock in his voice or facial expressions very well.

"Well not exactly." I buried my head in his chest. "I don't want it to be soon."

"Why is this?" Dimitri asked, his voice a mixture of curiosity and slight fear. "And don't even say it's because you and Steve eloped." he added as a quick afterthought.

It's funny how he still isn't over that. I lifted my head off his chest, grinning. "Damn you took my answer."

"Come on Jells." Dimitri raised his eyebrow and gave me 'the cut the crap' look.

"Fine." I gave in as I laid my head sideways on his chest. "I....I wanna wait until Kitty's better."

I could feel that he was about to say something so I quickly sat myself up and sat cross-legged on him. "I know what you're thinking. You're thinking I'm crazy and that it's not going to be all better soon." I was speaking fast, hands flying everywhere as if they were supposed to help me get my point across. "I know that it's not going to be perfect any time soon, and I don't want to wait that long either! But I need to know she's making progress and I don't want to put on this whole charade like everyone is fine and she's one of my best friends and I love her but I love you too so don't think that I don't want to marry you it's just I'm really scared for her and I just want her to be healthy." I took several deep breaths, trying to make up for my lack of breathing in my rambling speech.

Dim just laughed and grabbed my hands. "I was actually going to say that I thought it was a great idea."

Mentally slapping myself for not letting him speak, I let out an exhausted sigh and fell back into his chest.

-------------------------------the next day-----------------------------

I tapped my fingernails on Kitty’s door as I entered with a reassuring smile from Dim, who was waiting in the hall. “Kittay Kattay?”

She looked up from her bed, “Jell-O!” Running over to hug me, I couldn’t shake the feeling that she felt even smaller than before. She took my hand and we sat next to each other on the not-so-comfy bed.

“How’re you doing Kit?” I managed to fake a smile. “Don’t bring it up too soon Jells, lead into it.” Dim had advised me.

“As well as can be expected. But enough about me! What’s up with this wedding Jells, it’s getting ridiculous!” I could tell by her eyes she was struggling to stay strong. I didn’t push it though.

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk to you about.” I said it slowly as I picked at the thin sheet on the bed. “I was kinda thinking that maybe I should put it off for a while.”

“Lesbian feelings for Bre?” Kit asked winking.

‘Well that isn’t the only reason.” I said laughing. “But no, I……I want to wait until you are doing better.”

Her mood immediately changed. “No you don’t.”

“Yes Kit, yes I do. You are my best friend an-“
“

Well I’m not getting better overnight.” She cut me off icily. I tried to brush it off.

“I know that Kit! I’m fully aware! I just want to see a little progress, that’s all.”

“Well I think that’s a ridiculous idea."

I patted her hands, and internally sighed. “Kit, this is what I’ve decided and I just wanted to let you know.” I began to get up, I didn’t want to start a fight.

“Well sorry I’m not healing fast enough for you, little miss Bridezilla. You don't have to fake like you would rather see me get better than get married.”

Something inside me snapped. I was sick of this bullshit. I was so sick of her comments. I was so sick of her pushing me away. I whipped around my hair, almost hitting her in the face. “How the hell do you think this behavior makes Two-Bit feel? Huh? Here we are, all trying our hardest to do everything we can for you, and he has to watch his wife struggle while she’s pushing away all the people who care for her. Him included. Is nothing ever enough for you?” At this point I was close enough to her to see the faint freckles dotted across her “perfect” skin.

I’m not sure who started it, but next thing I knew, it was a fight to the death. Managing to get her hands out of my hair, I swung Kitty off of me into the door, slamming it shut. She immediately reacted by pushing me into the dresser, and I knew the knobs would bruise my back. I must have thrown her hard, because I could hear Dim struggling to open the door. I had no time to worry about that as Kitty punched me directly in the eye. Temporarily blinded, I launched myself at Kitty, knocking her to the ground. As she kicked at me, I managed to get her square in the nose and blood immediately began to flow. You think you’ve seen Kitty mad before. Trust me, you haven’t. It was if I angered a sleeping banshee. Now we were on the ground, both of us struggling to be dominate in this fight. By the time Dim flung the door open, I could taste the blood in my mouth from a cut lip and I was aching everywhere. Kitty didn’t look too much better, if not worse with her tiny body. Dimitri grabbed me around the torso, pulling me off of Kitty who was on the ground struggling to regain her breath.

I knew he was conflicted as whose side to take. Take your fiancées side and face the wrath of Kitty or take one of your best friend’s side and potentially end up single. “What the hell is wrong with you two?!” He yelled at the both of us as if we were two little kids who got a hold of our father’s liquor stash. Kitty struggled to stand up. She staggered over to her bed, but managed to say “Good luck with having a crazy bitch as a wife Dim.” before falling over onto it in exhaustion. I could feel the anger rise again, but I couldn’t do anything before I was pulled out of the room by Dimitri’s strong arms.

Sup.

Wowza. Haven't posted in a while. Well I thought I'd tell ya'all the good news.



Steve and I.....eloped! :D








































Bahahahahahahahha! Juuuuuuust kidding....... Or am I? I told that one to Dim. He didn't like it. But Soda got pretty jealous of me. I always knew something was up here.

Fantastic News.....

This month I decided to finally grow a pair and talk to my dad about my whole...."situation". I had been postponing it in the fear that my father would murder Dimitri and use him as a cadaver for those wannabe Grey's Anatomy med school students. 

I met up with my father at the hospital cafeteria during his lunch break, and I was so nervous I thought I was going to puke. He was going to be so disappointed in me. What if he brought up my mom? I know she would be sad if she were still around and I didn't need to hear it from him too. 

After a few minutes of chit chat, I decided to slowly ease the conversation my way. "Hey dad...remember those pregnancy tests I got here for April Fool's day?" 

"Uh huh, what about them?" he asked never looking up from his salad, which was good for me so he couldn't see how close I was to throwing up all over the table.

"Uh...how...how accurate do you think they were?" I questioned trying to keep my tone light and curious.

He looked up and laughed. "Oh honey, those tests were way past expired. They were going to be thrown out, that's the only reason I let you take them. I wouldn't trust those for an accurate result. Why are you asking? Think you have a little bun in the oven?" He said the last part jokingly and with a wink. I felt as if a tremendous weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I wanted to cry, scream out with joy, but I knew I couldn't. Not yet. Not until I was 100% sure....aaaaaand far away from my father. :P 

I forced a laugh. "Nah just curious..a friend of mine wanted to use one of the extra ones I have, so I just wanted to be sure."

After I left, I rushed immediately to store, got a new test and got home ASAP. I waited for the test results and it felt like it was hours, though in reality it was only a few minutes. I nervously glanced at the results and started to tear up as soon as I realized what it said: negative. I shakily picked up the phone to call Dimitri at work. "Hey babe, I have some fantastic news to tell you.........."

April Fools

April Fools Day. The one day where the Two-Bits of the world have an excuse to pull stupid pranks. It's also the day where the girlfriends of the world, like moi, prank the shit out of their amazing boyfriends because we can always withhold sex if they don't forgive us :D

So I needed a good prank, a prank that would overshadow everyone else's. Naturally, I went to the great Miss Kitty for her wise advice and guidance in the art of creative pranking. [Sidenote: Kitty, are you interested in the 'joke-itorial arts'? Please tell me you get that reference. :P ]

After a few minutes of brainstorming, we came up with the rather simple master plan:

1st) Have Katie pee on a pregnancy test
2nd) Tell Dimitri it's my test.
3rd) Enjoy how freaked out he gets.
4th) Sadly have to end the joke, and admit the truth. (How long I waited would have to be determined on the spot.)

So everything went fine at first. Katie peed on the test, and after she left Kitty tossed one at me. "Pee on it." she demanded, her eyes never leaving the Friends marathon that was on TV.

"....Why?" I asked cautiously, wondering if Grandma Liz's desire for grandchildren had warped Kitty's mind as well.

"So you can have a test to prove that you aren't pregnant, Sherlock." she said in that matter-of-fact Kitty way. "I thought you were the smart Winston cousin." she mumbled under her breath.

"Bitch." I said while chucking the box at her head.

She slowly turned her head and gave me one of the scariest looks I've ever seen. "Whore." she hurled it back.

"Skank." I hit her smack dab in the middle of her forehead. We continued on like this for a few minutes until she finally got her lazy ass off the couch and shoved me in the bathroom.

After I took the test, I left it in the bathroom and chilled with Kitty on the couch. "Hey." Kitty said after a few minutes. "Shouldn't you go get the test and hide it, so Dimwit doesn't see?" 

"True." I said and headed to the bathroom. I picked up the test and my eyes glanced quickly over the result. Positive. "Thank God." I thought to myself, not quite registering what it said. Wait! WHAT?!? I looked again and my eyes saw right. The test said positive. I felt like I was going to pass out. How is this even possible? There weren't any signs! What am I going to tell Dimitri? Will I even tell him?!? What if it's just wrong? But what if it's right?!? I gripped the counter and saw my face pale in the mirror. I had to act, and act fast. I had cracked the test in my counter gripping process so I just snapped it into two pieces completely. I put them in two separate pieces of tissue and shoved them in the bottom of the garbage. I leaned against the counter, taking a deep breath. I could feel the tears starting to roll down my face when Kitty called my name. "Jelly? Are you coming back anytime soon? I don't want to keep this on pause for forever." I wiped away my tears and put on a fake smile as I left the bathroom, and headed towards the living room. 

"I hid the test really well. No one will find it." I smiled, telling the truth without telling everything. I couldn't tell her right now, could I? I don't even know if it was accurate? My mind was still a mess. "Awesome. Dim is totally going to freak out." Kitty said grinning. "Yeah he probably will." I said as I sat down on the couch, mentally planning what I was going to do.

~~~ LATER THAT DAY~~~~
It was show time. Well sort of. I had Katie's test in my pocket and still wasn't sure if I was going to pretend it was a joke or if I was going to tell the truth. Technically I would be telling the truth, but if I went through with it would be the big decision.

"Honey, you may want to sit down." I said calmly to Dimitri. As expected, a confused look crossed his face but he did it anyways. "What's going on Jels?" he asked slowly, as if afraid to know the answer. I sat down next to him on the couch and grabbed his hand. I felt panic rising in my stomach. It's now or never, I thought to myself. I looked into his eyes and said "I'm pregnant." It was if time stood still as I waited for his reaction. He looked speechless, scared and confused. I saw his face and knew I couldn't tell the truth, at least not when I wasn't sure. "April Fools!" I exclaimed on instinct. He let out a sigh of relief and grinned as he gave me a huge hug. "You really had me scared there babe." He gave me a kiss, and I said "Yeah it was a pretty good joke." all the while wondering what hole I just dug myself into.

~~~~~ LATER ON ~~~~~

I was pacing around the apartment, freaking out. I was so lost. So confused. I felt like the hugest liar in the universe. I had to talk to someone, and I knew exactly the someone I had to talk to. I knocked on Kitty's bedroom door and impatiently waited for her to answer. "What's up Jelatin?" she asked curiously. "Can I.....can we talk for a couple minutes." I asked quietly looking at the ground. "Yeah of course." she put her arm around me and we sat on her bed. "What's wrong?" Kitty asked holding my hand. That's when the tears started to come. I looked into her eyes, her face blurry from my tears. "I think..I think I'm pregnant."

This post is brought to you by peer pressure -.-

Man I haven't posted in a long time O.o Well have no fear because Jelly is here!




I have been debating what to post about. I mean, a lot of shit has happened since I posted last. But if you were expecting a super emotional post, sorry you should probably go read one of Kitty's infamous posts ;P




This post will be random...mainly because I haven't put a lot of thought into it.

:D

• I think the Packers will win the Superbowl.
• Scratch that. I know they will win the Superbowl.
• Kitty has gotten me sucked into a Gossip Girl FB game......I don't even watch the show.
• My unicorn, Charlie, is super-duper-fantabulous!
• Chase didn't want me to tell you this, but he cried during Ya Ya Sisterhood.
• I am in love with a man named Dimitri.
• Who got hit by a car for me.
• And now has a broken pelvis.
• What has your man done for you lately? ;P
• Duran Duran is amazing.
• This post kind of sucks.
• I'm only doing this because I gave into peer pressure -.-
• Carson is a sexy beast.
• My Seventeen magazine came today. Miranda Cosgrove is on the cover.
• They have creepy stories about spring break vacations gone wrong in it.
• I'm tired.
• And hungry.
• If you made it this far, I'm proud of you :D
• I don't know what else to say.
• Goonies never say die.
• I'm sorry that this post fails.
• Richard Simmons scares yet entertains me.
• Clowns scare me as well. They need to stay out of my fricken bubble. -.-

Sooooooooooooooo yeah. That's my post. Stay tuned for a hopefully better one! Save Ferris!